I wanna bring you to show and tell
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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