nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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