The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
