You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
