I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
