dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
