I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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