After last night, I could never be a politician.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
