just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
