Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
