chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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