so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
