his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
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