I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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