She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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