hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
