When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
