i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
