Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
