so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
