Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Is Oprah even human
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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