hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
