I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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