Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
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I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
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You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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