i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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