i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Come see our sink grown plant.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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