Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
