3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
how drunk are you?
Several
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
