Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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