This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
