well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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