as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
