So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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