Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
