I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
