he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Vodka?
Forever.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
