He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
