I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
