I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
