I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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