Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
