Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
