Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Randomize
