he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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