I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize