i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
