My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
barbara walters just said penis...
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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