My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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