Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
