Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
