overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
