why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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