Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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