in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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