I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
