dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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